Whadya mean it's been a whole month?!?

I have to admit I'm surprised to find that it's been a whole month since my last blog post. If anyone is out there and still reading, thanks for following along, even when I apparently abandoned my own blog.
So what have I been up to? Well, I made it through tax season in one piece, which is always a good thing. Also, I just got back from my Baha*mavention trip yesterday. Hubby stayed home and I went with my Aunt and cousins, and we had a blast. There was lots of rum and sun to be had! It was exactly what I needed after a very stressful few months. We pretty much lazed around like beached whales the whole time, swimming, sunning, and of course, drinking fun and fruity tropical drinks!
AF still hasn't come, but then again, I still haven't picked up my Provera yet. Oops. Hubby and I still haven't had "the talk" yet about what we're going to do as far as proceeding with IF treatments. It didn't help that a few days before I left for my trip we got a bill in the mail for all the wanding and blood draws. Gulp. The Lord *must* work in mysterious ways, since apparently it wasn't enough that I was stimming for 3 weeks, had to go in almost daily for blood draws and get a long stick shoved up my vajayjay AND had the whole thing cancelled, because in addition to all that fun, we got a nice little bill of $4000. Which my insurance is most likely not going to cover.
So, because of that cost, we really need to reevaluate what our next step is going to be. Part of me wants to do another injectible cycle right away, but the other part of me wants to wait till we get a little more money in the bank and pay off this bill.
It really stinks that throughout this whole 3 year ordeal, we still don't feel like we've really tried for a baby. Between me not ovulating, the Clomid not working, and having to cancel our first injectibles cycle, it feels like we've been playing Double Dutch this whole time, waiting for the right time to jump in. So here we are, still, yet again, waiting.

I know, I know

I've been a crappy blog buddy, and there's absolutely no reason for it. Well, except for work, remodeling, yada, yada, yada.

I guess I kind of feel like I have nothing to say while I'm in TTC limbo. I don't know why, but I'm even procrastinating with that. I'm supposed to take Provera, then after AF comes take BC pills for a month, but I still haven't even called in the prescriptions that were called in before I left for Flo*rida. I'm trying to time it so that I won't have AF when I'm in the Ba*hamas at the end of the month, but instead of trying to figure out the timing, I guess it's been easier for me just to ignore it. Maybe I'm scared of having another cancelled cycle, or maybe the idea of the nightly needle-poking isn't so appealing the second time around. Who knows. I know I *have* to get this cycle started, but something just keeps holding me back. Hopefully I snap out of it, whatever "it" is.

Anyway, I had a great time on vacation. It was short, but much-appreciated. And I got a tan, which is always a good thing. Nothing spectacular happened while I was there, oh, except for the little boy who was in the bathroom with his mother. He comes up to me and says "You can't go on the Jaws ride since you have a baby in your belly." Great. Just what I needed. I wanted to scream, laugh, and cry all at once. While I was embarrassed the kid thought I was pregnant, I'll admit that I wanted more than anything at that moment for him to be right. Of course the PG test I took afterwards failed me, as it always does, and blared a big, fat, negative line in it's usual harsh way.

Dum de dum

Not much going on in these parts, sorry for not updating. Work has been hella busy, and I've been trying to get ready for my trip (in 2 days!)

The RE's office called. They want me to take Pro*vera to bring on AF, then take 4 weeks of active birth control pills. When I get AF after the pills, I'll start the injectibles again. It seems kind of odd to take bc pills when I'm *trying* to get pregnant, but whatever. It just pisses me off that I wasted all that money on birth control for so many years trying NOT to get pregnant.

Anyway, I'm kind of glad about taking the little break. Since I'm going to Or*lando this week and the Ba*hamas next month (Bahamavention, anyone?) it'll be nice to be able to drink myself into oblivion without having to worry about bringing my Foll*istim pen with me to the pool bar. Although if you think about it, it'd be a good conversation piece. Or they'd think I was shooting up heroin in public, so maybe that's not a good idea.

On a happier note, my new obsession: tanning. I know it's horrible for me, and I'm going to get skin cancer and all that, but I just love the feeling of being all warm and fuzzy after 10 minutes in a tanning bed. I've been going twice a week now, which is just enough to give me a light glow and get rid of that cursed Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Plus, as a wise person once told me, tan fat looks much better than white fat.

I've been benched

After going to the RE's every day since Thursday, the doctor decided to cancel the cycle. I have 11 measurable follicles; 2 over 15, and 2 over 14. The rest are all around 12, plus my E2 was around 750. I tried to convince them otherwise, but they don't want to take the chance that I get PG with quads. When the nurse called and told me yesterday I started crying on the phone. Felt like an ass, especially since I knew it was a possibility they would cancel.

The nurse said it wasn't a wasted cycle, since now they know how my body responds to the meds. Still, it makes me feel like the past 3 weeks of injections and worry and waiting were all for nothing. Yes, there's a possibility I could get pregnant with 4 babies, but there's also the chance I won't get pregnant at all. How do we know unless we try?

I met a friend of mine for lunch and retail therapy yesterday afternoon (couldn't have come at a better time!), and I told her it's like I've been benched without even getting to try out for the team.

On the brightside, I guess this means that now I can drink when we go to Orlan*do next week. I told Hubby to prop me up next to the pool bar and I'll be fine.

Note to my ovaries

E2 is up to 113, lining is at 15 mm, but follies are still around 7.5. Dammit! Dr. G says it's normal for women with PCOS to take longer to have their follicles mature, so they gave me 1500 units more of Folli*stim, and they're keeping me at the 225 IU dose.
I'm leaving for Florida in 2 weeks, so if at least one of my follies isn't up to 12mm, they're cancelling the cycle because they won't be able to monitor me there. That would be just my luck. Stabbing myself with needles for 3 freakin' weeks all for nothing. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, here's a note to my ovaries:

Listen you little fuckers! I understand that you may be hibernating for the winter, but come on! I've been pumping you with Folli*stim every night for the past 17 days, and you give me nothing! Stop being lazy and produce some decent follicles already. If I could trade you in, I would. You're useless, just floating around in there doing NOTHING. I'm *THISCLOSE* to getting a hysterectomy and saying fuck it to you and your evil ways. What did I ever do to you?

That's all.

Damn you, unmeasurable follicles!

Still no "measurable follicles"...I have a bunch of small ones, but they're all under 10mm. Little fuckers. And my E2 isn't going anywhere, so for the past two days they've bumped me up to 225 IU. God, I hope it works. I'll know tomorrow when I go to the RE and get a u/s and bloodwork.
If it doesn't, I don't know what I'm going to do. Not sure if the doc has more Foll*istim to give me, and I really can't afford to buy it since insurance covers squat for IF.

Did I mention I'm going to Orlando in 16 days? I'm excited, even though it's only for 4 days. So, given my uncooperating follicles f'ed up timing, that means 1 of 2 things. I'll either still be stimming (in which case I'll be pretty close to slicing my wrists!), or in the 2WW(bring on the Margarita's-NOT!) At this point I'm hoping it's the latter.

It makes me wonder, how long will they allow me to stim before they pull the plug? Do they just keep trying until one of the follies decides to pop? What if it never happens and I have to keep stabbing myself with needles for all eternity?!?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

The Green-Eyed Monster

I found out today that a girl on a forum I frequent is PG. We got married on the same day, and she and her husband started trying a few months ago. I *should* be happy for her, and tell her how lucky she is, but I can't bring myself to do it. Ignoring her seems so childish, but at this point in time it's the only thing I can think of.
I should email and let her know happy I am for her, but I'm worried it'll come out something like this:

"Dear Jane,
Who the hell do you think you are getting pregnant? Yesterday you said you weren't even sure you were ready to TTC, and *now* all of a sudden you're ecstatic about your impending arrival. You don't deserve a baby, you whorish witch.
Rot in hell,
PB"

So now you see why ignoring her is a much better option than sending the flaming email above. I'm sure *I* would rot in hell if I sent that, but just writing it seems to be therapy enough.

Yesterday I had my u/s and bloodwork. Still no "measurable follicles" (there weren't any Sunday either), so they upped my Foll*istim to 112 IU. I have to go back tomorrow to get more meds from Dr. G, and Friday is my next u/s.