Tomorrow is my RE appointment, to discuss "the next step." The nurses aren't allowed to give patients the injectible drugs, apparently one of the doctors need to do it. Since I haven't O'ed using the Clomid (first cycle 100mg, second cycle 200mg), injectibles are logically "the next step." Even though I know it's just a technicality, and the doctor probably only wants to see me to make sure I'm okay with everything, I still have these crazy, irrational fears.
Crazy like I'm going to sit down in his office and have him start laughing hysterically telling me "NO! No baby for you...now get out!," like it's all been some cruel joke. Maybe it's a trust issue, I don't know. He's never given me any reason for NOT trusting him, I think it's more me not trusting myself, or allowing myself to trust anyone else besides my husband.
I remember this summer when I went to the RE's office after my second HSG, and he said that my next step would be Clomid and IUI. I left crying so bad that I had to pull over to the side of the road. I don't know why...I think maybe it was because it meant that it was finally a reality to me that having a baby naturally was not going to happen. I'd always had these high hopes that I'd magically get PG without medical intervention, and it was crushing to me to admit that it wasn't going to happen that way.
In the grand scheme of things, being told I'd need IUI and Clomid was really not that big of a deal. But to me it felt like the beginning of the end. Now we're moving onto injectibles, and while I'm scared, I'm not sad like I was before. I don't know what changed from August to now, but I'm pretty much at peace with having to use ART. Yes, it sucks, but at least there is still the hope that I'll achieve the desired end result I'm looking for. Hope is about all I've got left at this point. (Besides a damn fine husband and my electrifying personality, of course!)
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2 comments:
Hi Princess Barren, welcome to blogland, I'm pretty new myself. Just wanted to say I hear ya! I've just had a 'feeling' that I'd battle to conceive, and after 6 years, still nothing. I remember that appt. with my doc where he told me I have less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally every month and that I was moving onto IUI with Injectibles. I couldn't believe it had come to that. I also cried as I was paying the bill and all the way home, I don't know how I never crashed. I'm now moving onto IVF and like you, it doesn't feel so bad this time. I think I've made peace with it too. I guess its a process we have to go through. Good luck on your journey and if you don't mind, I'll add you to my blogroll, I'd like to follow your journey!
"The next step" is always scary for me. I feel as if stepping up the ART ladder gives me lesser options to take. Although I'm still in the "little league" with IUI, the "big league" IVF could sound very itimidating.
All this while finding out someone gets pregnant without even trying. It's so unfair!
Hang in there.
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